Monday 22 October 2012

Just So You Know

Good morning. Well. It's morning anyway. Snowing at my place.
At work on north shore and it's snowing here. Sigh. 
The only thing cheerful about dreadful cold weather is maybe I can go tobogganing with the kids this year! 
I just want to take a minute and tell you how grateful I am, to have you for my sisters and brother.
I am not sure why my life has been such an epic fail. My two kids are the only good things I have accomplished. It surely wasn't by my own devices to have success with them. My sisters and brother are the the ones who blessed them greatly at many different points in their lives.
If I was to die today (so many bad drivers out), I would want all three of you to know that you have blessed me greatly. I have never had a moment that failed in gratitude for you. I truly love all of you so much. 
I have been the poorest auntie. I found two years of birthday cards, written & addressed & stamped. I have found letters I had written & addressed & stamped. Dated 3 years ago. My nieces and nephews haven't been as blessed by me as mine were by their aunties and uncles. I am sorry for this.
I have been flailing & failing for a few years. Ever since I graduated from Sprott Shaw. I have worn many hats in my life and am grateful for all of those experiences. I consider them wins. Until I have to pay rent and my bills & get groceries from Stella.
I am depressed and I recognise all of the symptoms because I am in a chronic state and have been for a lot of years. Diagnosed when Nana died, along with un-diagnosed postpartum depression that was diagnosed, finally, at the same time.
Every day is a struggle now. My chronic pain has projectiled to the nth degree. My pity party is getting shut down before it starts. Just wanted to let you know.
I miss my nieces and nephews so much. I used to see M almost every weekend. I haven't seen R anywhere near as much. This makes me sad.
I am crushed to only see O very occasionally and even then I am so exhausted, from work & pain.
Thankfully, I get to see Mad, though not nearly as often as I used to.
Then there are my kids. It is so crippling, emotionally, to not see them more often. K & S are an amazing couple. So kind, generous, loving.
S & D and C are so far away that when I see them I feel 'drunk' with happiness!
Ok. Not sure if I'm emailing this or not. Will leave it as a draft for now.
Know that I love all of you right to my core.
All my love, always & forever,
Lelly